Monday, April 30, 2012


So this week is Screen Free Week or some such nonsense. IDK, I was too busy facebooking and pinning shit to thoroughly research the concept.

However, I am big on limiting my kids' screen time: Playstation, Nintendo DS (which I refer to as the Game Boy, just because I can never come up with the real name), TV, computer...They are supposed to get two hours a day per popular guidelines. I'm not sure who's guidelines those are, but I'm caught between feeling like that's an awful lot and simultaneously feeling like it's not enough. I'd like to plug the little snots into the TV for all but the 11 hours that they're sleeping, but Mommy Guilt prevents me from doing so. Well, that and I can actually see their brains melting after a particularly long Lego Star Wars sesh.

Today, Thing 2 and I were lazing about while the baby was napping, and trying not to turn on the TV for entertainment.

Thing 2: "Mom, don't you want to play a game with me?" The child never asks, Mom, mom would you play with me, or Care to join me for a game, or something that I could possibly answer, No to without feeling like a total failure as a mom. But don't you want to play with me? Gah. Of course I want to. Nothing else I'd rather...

Me: I suppose. You pick out a game; I have to switch the laundry.

I return to the room. Me: What'd you pick?

Him, extending a deck of holographic Star Wars cards to me: I couldn't find anything good. What are these?

Me, already regretting my decision: Playing cards. Want me to teach you to play War?

Him, nodding enthusiastically: Yes!

We spend the next hour and a half (I shit you not) playing War. He's like a War savant and picks it up within a nano-second. Well, it's also possible that you just need to know how to count and he's had that down for a few years now.

I'm really interested in the game for the first ten minutes, but this is mostly in a parental, oh isn't he having fun sort of way.

The next forty minutes I squirm around on the floor trying to alleviate the mounting pressure in my lower back cause from slouching over to repeatedly straighten the slippery holographic cards in their piles.

The next ten minutes, I find relief by lying on my stomach and playing. Thing 2 copies my position and seems to being lulled to sleep by our rhythmic card playing.

Double War!!! This could be it! Maybe he'll get all my K's and I'll go out in a blaze of glory.

Ugh. No. I spend the rest of the card game actively trying to lose; slipping my face cards into his pile when he takes a potty break, including an extra card into lost Wars. The game still plays on for what feels like eternity.

Finally, he turns to me with those sweet (almost) green eyes with beautiful, long lashes that are only seen on pre-pubescent boys and says, "Mom, don't you want to watch TV with me?"

Me: Yes. Yes, I do.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I ate all the Easter candy for lunch; or, How's Your Diet Going?

I'd Do Anything to Lose Weight Except Diet and Exercise [COMIC]
I get asked that a lot. I guess that's what I get for putting before and after pictures on the Internet, hey? People everywhere are looking me up and down. Hey, eyes up here, all right? Focus on my EYES folks.

This last month has been...meh.

There was a lot going on in March; three birthdays, three birthday parties, two double ear infections (consecutively), a sprained ankle, a mini-vacay, spring break, going back to work part-time, and trying to find time to work on my own business. There was also very little exercising going on (damn you self), and while I managed to eat fairly well, my kids' Easter candy called my name a few times. So did Franzia. He whispers my name softly to me every evening. I try to drone out his sweet voice by screaming even louder at my kids.

While technically, I only gained a pound and a half, I feel like I gained 5. My midsection feels mushy and my energy is way down. This week I've managed to drag myself back on the exercise bandwagon and I'm starting to feel a little better.

I have two weight loss goals coming up.

1. OBGYN visit in early May. What? Don't look at me like that. That scale is OFFICIAL, yo. Plus, is it wrong to want to look your best while up in stirrups?

2. Kiddie pools open June 9th. That's 53 short days from now, but who's counting? Oh, that's right. Me.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Seven Wonders of My Parenting World

I love the sound of unconscious children.
The other day my manfriend asked me what the seven wonders of the world are. I said, "I have no idea. The Great Wall of China maybe? Some gardens too. Check out wikipedia, my friend."

But that got me are the seven wonders of MY world. I'm sure there are more than seven. Feel free to hit me with suggestions.

1. I wonder how you are unable to hear me telling you to brush your teeth when I'm right in front of you, yet you can hear the Dorito bag opening from across the house.

2. I wonder why you will walk past your father seventeen times in order to find me to ask me a random question that he totally could have answered.

3. I wonder how you fit so much shit in your tiny pockets.

4. I wonder what could possibly be so enticing about your boogers that you would want to eat them.

5. I wonder why you are so opposed to wearing socks.

6. I wonder how it is physically possible for you to produce so much poop.

7. I wonder how you can be hungry ALL DAY LONG. Have you got a tape worm?